Semi-retarded midgets. This number was one digit off from my client, so I had to post it. This is great. 973-409-3481. It takes you to Santa's workshop so you can place your order for what you want for Christmas. I say order because you really have to listen to it.
On a day like today, I can think of only one thing to do while it is raining. Other than running in the rain (its utopia, not that shitty sugar fruit drink from coca cola in the 90's either) watching Christmas movies would be a great day, with a pizza, beers, and some very close friends. Here are some you should watch.
Elf.....Duh, its great.
Trapped in Paradise. Nicholas Cage robs a bank....in a small town....at Christmas, kinda like Groundhog day.
A Christmas Story.....How does a piggy eat?
Home Alone, not part 2, or part 3....AHHHHHH.
Christmas Vacation.....Best Christmas movie ever, but "I'm afraid it wont be me Clark. See the Army replaced the metal plate in my head with a plastic one, every time the microwave went on I would crap my pants, and if I hit it, see, my part is right there as well, and my hair just wouldn't look right."
Some notable movies to consider:
Its a Wonderful Life, Scrooged, and Eight Crazy Nights.
Well here you are....International Man Laws. It made me laugh. No intention to hurt or harm.
INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party maybe legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10:You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11:It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12:Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16:Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17:A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18:Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19:If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20:Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21:Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:Yeah, Baby, Push it!C'mon, give me one more! Harder!Another set and we can hit the showers!
22:Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are both waiting in line. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23:Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.Hang up if necessary.
24:The morning after you and a girl who was formerly" just a friend"have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25:It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26:Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,orange or sky blue.
27:The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. (and a better snowboarding game, see yesterday's post for explanation)
28:There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.We hope this clears up any confusion.International Council of Manhood
Stallingsworth OUT
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